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Friday, October 12

Disorder in Court - Joke Time

These are taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

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Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Attorney: This mysthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forgot? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

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Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!

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Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

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Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you sh -- me?

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Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?
Witness: Uh...I was gettin' laid!

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Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you sh -- me? You Honour, I think I need a different
attorney? Can I get a new attorney?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Guess.

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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?

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Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
Witness: Oral.

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Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?

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Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse.
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

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15 comments:

ipanema said...

this is very funny! thanks for the visit. :)

Bugsybee said...

Ha ha ha! Thanks for sharing these jokes with us, Rowena!

Here's one that a friend shared with me:
Attorney: Can you please tell the court how many children you have?
Witness: I have 4 children.
Attorney: How many boys?
Witness: Two
Attorney: And how many girls?
Witness: uhhh ... that's a difficult question.

ann santos said...

this post made me laugh really hard. mind if I copy it and email it to my law school friends? they really need this kind of laugh. :)

rowena said...

Hi Ipanema, thanks also for the visit. Am honored.

Hi Bugsybee, you're welcome. We all need a good laugh.

Hi Ann, ok lang, I don't mind. Thanks again for the visit. Btw, I left few comments on your posts.

Mon said...

I once Attended a seminar for Charting (For Nurses) and the speaker made read some charted asssessments of Nursing student taken from all over the Philippines...

"Breasts are equal reactive to light"

'"Patient is hot in bed last night," as verbalized by the husband.'

ScroochChronicles said...

Wenchie, I almost peed in my pants!! This post had me laughing to tears. I'm gonna show my husband. He's a lawyer. I always harass him about how "kulang-kulang" lawyers are. Grabe, ang sama ko. Galing mo, girl. More!!

rowena said...

Hi Mon, ok yan ha, hot in bed huh, he he.LOL!

Hi Cooks, ako rin everytime I would read this post again, naiiyak ako sa kakatawa. Sige, tell your hubby abt. this post. Btw, am also a law grad, pero di pako nag bar. Everytime mag review ako, I end up being preggy. Mag alaga muna ko mga anak ko, he he.

Annamanila said...

Waaah. I'd need a new attorney too. hahaha

So funny those lawyer-liar jokes. Ty ty!

rowena said...

Hi Annamanila, know what I was just thinking about you...Glad you like this post, very funny indeed and to think it really happened, he he.

Belle said...

hahaha, so funny! actually, i read the last joke to my husband. he was laughing hard, too. mashare nga ito sa friend ko who is lawyer.

Sidney said...

Bwahahahahahaha!

Heart of Rachel said...

Thanks for the good laugh. A nice way to start my day right.

rowena said...

Hi Belle, ok yan, sige show this to your lawyer-friend.

Hi Sidney, thanks for the visit. Glad this post made you laugh....

Hi Rach, we really need to laugh our hearts out di ba...to live longer din daw....

Munchkin Mommy said...

hi rowena! it's my first time here and am i glad i dropped by! this entry is just hilarious! i was laughing so hard that my hubby had to ask what was so funny. hahaha! i'll have to let him read this post of yours. thanks for the hearty laugh! -weng

rowena said...

Hi Weng, glad you also had fun reading this post...Thanks for the visit.