Handling In-Laws

There is a saying that goes that people cannot choose who their parents will be.

And this saying goes true too to not being able to choose who your in-laws will be.

As befitting the Filipino customs, there is another saying about marrying a would-spouse’s family, not just the spouse himself or herself. Old Filipino traditions tell of stories about how a would-be groom worked hard for the would-be bride’s family: working in the farm, getting water from the well and other tasks requiring heavy physical labor.

These are not being done today though.

A priest officiating a wedding once enumerated the three things that can break a marriage: money, in-laws and unfaithfulness or infidelity.

I have no doubt a lot of couples can relate to the in-laws problem since there are a lot of meddling in-laws around town.

Let’s face it, in-laws may mean well and they are probably concerned about their children and their spouses but there are times that they come across as domineering, all too-knowing and yes, downright evil.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter to them that they act as such, especially when they go on power trip, but they just say they have the best intentions for their actions. Do they really? Or do they just want to be the wedge that comes between the relationship their child has with his spouse?

I have heard of a lot of horror in-laws stories from friends. I cringe when I listen to them tell how they felt bad, humiliated and insignificant.

Some of these horror stories are:

Being called selfish and saying water meter is being watched for consumption (nagbibilang ng tubig)...tsk, tsk. I wonder how can one really count the use of water?

Questioning why two-year old kid is still being spoon-fed during meal time by nanny....

Brothers or Sisters-in-law eavesdropping to what is being discussed among family members to be reported to the higher-up, AKA parents-in-law...

Living with a mother-in-law who has the tendency to instruct maids to look in the daughter-in-law’s cabinets or rooms for her bed sheets and blankets...

Mother-in-law telling her son that his wife is evil...

Mother-in-law accusing her own son and wife of stealing old cassette tapes and native baskets/hampers.

Mother-in-law telling daughter-in-law that she's interested with the family home because she came from the squatters' area. This is really mean...

Mother-in-law telling the daughter-in-law's helpers that she's "maluho" or extravagant when it is the contrary.

Mother-in-law telling daughter-in-law that she's glad they (her son's family) were gypped in an investment scam. How can a mother say that to her own son...

The list will go on and on if I continue to write what happens between sons/daughters-in-law and their parents-in-law.

Back to the previously enumerated three problems that can make or break a marriage regarding money: financial matters.

It is very hurtful to hear a mother-in-law state that no financial help was extended to her when returned checks bear her name. A lot of times, it's all about the money. Do they still expect their son to give the family's income to them?

There are no right and wrong way to handle these kinds of situations. It all depends on how one can really hold on to the “beatings”.

For me though, one of the best ways to handle this would be to put distance: physical, emotional and social distance.

What about you?