MIL JOKES

I was feeling kinda low and I don't one anyone to ruin my day so I surf the net and came across mother-in-law (MIL) stories so I decided to post these quotes, jokes, stories...to just amuse myself, he he...Check this out and have a good laugh.

CAUTION: THIS IS LONG....

My MIL is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulders.

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother-in-law."

Q: How are shotguns and mothers-in-law alike?
A: If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!

I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law"
you get the words "woman Hitler".

Q: What's the definition of happiness?
A: Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton!

"It was really cold outside today."
"HOW COLD WAS IT?"
"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"

"Hello. Your Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!

Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.

Or, the definition of mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
A: Just one ... mine!

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None ... she always gets the son-in-law to do it.

Q: What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A: The vulture waits till you are dead before it eats your heart out.

A man was on trial for bigamy, and after the judge passed sentence he asked the defendant if he'd learned what made having more than one wife a bad thing. "Yes, your honor, I have," he replied. "What is the reason?" the judge asked. "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."

My mother-in-law is so stupid she actually asked me for money. The thing is, is that, according to her I'm a bum !!!!! How dumb is she?

I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.

The Argument:

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.

I never forget a face,
But in my MIL's case I'm willing to make an exception.

I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

My MIL and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

"My Mother-In-Law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Olympic Track and Field: Watch as ordinary men and women set new world records for speed while running away from their MILs.

Martha Stewart Holiday Special: Learn to set a beautiful holiday table, without a place for your MIL. It's a good thing.

Judging MIL: Why not? She judges you.

Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

My Mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!

Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a heart attack.
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!

Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go!

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"

Source: www.motherinlawstories.com